The War of the Roomates
by General-BOLT
Summary: The world's best soldiers, The world's cruddiest, run-down mansion, all hell's about to break loose. Formerly known as Thirteen People, one Mansion
1. Movin' In

Disclaimer: I own my pants, my comp., and my foil, that's about it. None of these char. are owned by me.

AN Some people have been brought back from the dead. But there will be logical explanations as to why they're alive. None except my fingers were harmed while typing this fic.

"Cloud!" Tifa yelled at her old-friend, ex-ShinRa grunt soldier, one-time planet saver, ex-mercenary, and slacker Cloud Strife, the man whom many formed theories as to his hair gel affecting his brain, but that's another story. "You PROMISED me you'd buy an apartment. And that was 3 YEARS ago!" At best the area where they were living in now could be described as a 'crap-hole that made that shitty Northern Crater look like a palace,' as Cid had :ahem: colorfully put it.

"Yeesh Tifa calm down. People are gonna think were married or goin' out or something. Besides, like I told you I've got no money." Cloud stated, doing his trade mark shoulder shrug.

"What about that huge wad of money that was your share from saving the world?" Tifa inquired, pointing at HUGE ball of money on top of a metal box that at one point might have been a refrigerator. "Umm…. Hey I got an idea! I know about this mansion that we could live in for free!"

"Really! Aww, thanks Cloud you always come through for me, eventually." She gave him a huge bear hug and they continued on their way to Cloud's supposed mansion.

"YUFFIE!" Godo screamed at the top of his lungs, looking about as agitated as Barret when he was only steps away from President ShinRa. Yuffie walked into the room in a carefree easy going manor.

"Yeah dad?" Yuffie inquired, acting like she did every time he started yelling.

"You haven't gotten any work done, but you still dwindle down our money like the termite destroys the wood." At that precise moment Godo's face was about as red as the fur at the end of Nanaki's fur. "We're kicking you out of town so that you'll learn to work for room and board. Have fun."

"Wha-" Before Yuffie could finish her sentence, a group of people carrying a large piece of wood ran into the room, hoisted Yuffie onto the wood, and ran off. "Is this REALLY necessary?" "Of course, it's tradition." One of the wood carriers answered. Yuffie was about to ask how running the town leader's daughter out of town on a piece of wood became a tradition, but they had reached the town limits.

"Cid, if we're going to have a kid, don't you think we should get a bigger house?" Shera, semi-desperately asked Cid. After Cid returned from his journey there was even more crap on their floor.

"What the fuck do ya mean? You know we got no money. People just don't give a fucking rat's ass anymore about flying." Needless to say, Cid's tour job wasn't going to well. After the Meteor incident people wanted to 'walk' to places and actually get some 'exercise' for a change.

"Hmm, how to convince an old, has-been, washed up, pilot to go somewhere?" Now it was Shera's turn to use Cloud's tactic. "Hey darling I know this great old mansion that has a lot of old machines in it. If we lived there, which we could, for free, you could always tinker around-" Shera turned around to Cid completely packed with his spear in one hand and his bags in the other.

"C'mon, ya fuckin' snail let's get this show those shitty-ass roads."

"Daddy, Daddy, DADDY!" Marlene screeched into her father's enormous ears. "You said someday you'd buy us a new house with all that money you stole from Rufus! Her father, finally coming to, merely responded with a grunt.

"Marlene, ya know we can't move anywhere. We gotta stay here and help rebuild Mid-" A number of rifle shots sliced through Barret's voice and was heard by all.

"Barret Wallace, come out with your hands up. Rufus wants to interrogate you. So, ya know, could you please come out quietly? C'mon man, it's my first day on the job and I want it to go well. Besides I'm only doing this job so I can" Barret didn't bother to hear why this recruit was doing this and quickly ran through the back door, all though he could have sworn he mentioned the words Rufus, I was really drunk, and I woke up in someone's bed the next morning. 'Hmm, jes what I need. Looks like I'll have to hide out at the old ShinRa place for a while.

"Must, finish, paperwork." Reeve's eyes were completely bloodshot, and one or two blood vessels had actually burst. He stared down at his stack of paperwork that needed to be finished, by 10:00 that night, and it was 9:45. 'How the hell do they expect to run the company when I retire?' His thoughts were soon interrupted as he heard footsteps running down the stairs. He turned to see most of the higher executives and Rufus running down to someplace. Scarlet stopped and approached him.

"Hey Reeve, Rufus asked us what 'alcohol' was, so we're all taking him down to a bar to get him drunk and ask for raises. Whoa, Reeve you look horrible. You know what you need, a vacation." This what she said, but what she was thinking was a little different. 'Kyahahahah, oh I'll find some way to blackmail him for this'

"Nope. There's no way I can leave all this paper work unfinished." Another one of Reeve's blood vessels in his eyes burst.

"Umm you do know that you have underlings to do that right?" In actuality he had no clue that he had underlings, but he wasn't about to let Scarlet get any dirt on him.

"Of course I know that, there umm just all on a coffee break." Scarlet's hand quickly met her forehead.

"All right that's it, as your superior I'm forcing you to take a mandatory six weeks of vacation at the ShinRa mansion. You leave, right now. Come here, our newestTurk!"Cait sith came outwearing ablue suit and sunglasses,did one of there long, and very arrogant entrances, grabbed Reeve, hoisted him up on a piece of wood, and quickly ran down the buildings ridiculous amount of stairs.

"Turks!" Rufus quickly yelled as the three members walked casually into his office. "You haven't got any work done since you were made head, after Tseng retired, Reno!"

"What work boss?" Reno asked with genuine clueless ness.

"Incompetent, ughh that work, that huge pile of work on your desk! Rufus was about to pop a few of his own blood vessels.

"Wait. I, have a desk? Awesome! Man I gotta break that baby in."

"Arrgh that's it! You're all fired! Courtesy of Reno!" And so Elena and Rude proceeded to carry Reno out to an alley behind the building and beat the living crap out of him.

"Reno! You jerk, now where are we gonna live?"

"Yo, calm down Elena, we still have that Cloud tracker right?"

"Oh I see, if we kill Cloud, we can get on the President's good side."

"Nope, we'll just go live with Cloud. I'm sure he won't mind."


	2. Rumble in the Mansion

AN: Time to actually continue a story for a change. PLEASE review?

"All right open your eyes Tifa." Cloud pulled his hands away from her eyes to let her see the, um, crappiness that was their new home. Tifa began to frown immediately. Who knows why, maybe it was the fact that even though Cloud kept her eyes closed for hours to pick up the place it was still a mess, maybe it was the fact that it was in Nibelheim, or maybe it was the fact that the Turks were sleeping on the couch.

"What the hell! Damn Turks. All right wake up and get out of here." Cloud had his hands resting on his Buster sword while Tifa already had her gloves ready.

":Yawn: Hey Cloud! What's with that look, aren't ya glad to see us?" Reno inquired, still looking clueless. Cloud looked more confused than ever, his soldier instincts told him to go ahead and kill him without a moment's hesitation, but lately Cloud had become more of a thinker than before.

"Um, Reno, we do live in the same world right? I don't ever remember us being friends." Reno was the one looking really confused now.

"Whaddya mean? It's not like we've ever gotten into fist fights before, and we see each other all the time." Cloud's hand smacked his forehead.

"We haven't gotten in to fist fights before because Rude is the only one who just uses bare fists. And we see each other all the time because YOU guys are trying to kill us!" Reno looked like a small kid when they find out Santa isn't real, he's just a hobo who climbs down the chimney and has an affair with their mom.

"You mean, we're not friends?" Reno started to go all teary eyed right about then.

"Um, Elena, could you please explain?" Cloud was getting more confused by the second. If he reached his limit, his soldier instincts would take over and kill everyone in the room.

"Debriefing drugs. Reno was classified as hell bent on trying to get revenge on you. To make sure that he didn't give away vital secrets upon becoming a prisoner, or get killed, he was heavily drugged to forget everything. Unfortunately to large a dose was used, and so he's still drugged." Everyone looked over to see Reno talking to a girl on a calendar picture.

"Hey baby, I know other people only like you for looks, but I, respect you. C'mere and give me a kiss." What transpired next was strange, disturbing, which is why it won't be mentioned.

"Is there a cure?" Cloud asked, full of hope.

"Heavy drinking, the hangover will wash out all the toxins from his body." Rude answered.

"Great, so either we have a drunken Reno, or a drugged Reno." This was just not Cloud's day.

"Excuse me." All the people in the room turned to face the newcomer in the room, well, technically, newcomers. There, standing in the doorway was the silhouette of what appeared to be a man, and a monster with wings and a lump on its head. They stepped out of the doorway to reveal Reeve in a suit and Cait Sith, which was wearing a blue suit and shades, appeared to be holding a gun to Reeve's back.

"Hey Elena, isn't that our new recruit" Reno inquired, the drug wearing off.

"Yup, Cait Sith, what are you doing here?" All the ex-Turks seemed to be confused, since if Cait Sith was here, then that meant Rufus was either stupid enough, or arrogant enough to remove all protection from himself.

"Mandatory vacation." Cait Sith muttered in an uncharacteristic low, baritone voice, while pointing his gun at Reeve.

"Yeah that about sums it up." Reeve looked calm even then despite the gun barrel digging into his back. "Well, Cloud, Tifa, Turks, looks like we're roommates."

"Alright Shera, can I open my goddamn eyes yet!" He quickly opened his eyes and half-gawked, half-glared at the mansion. Cid, although he appeared to be pissed every day, looked extremely pissed after having to hike through the mountains. "It's a fixer-upper."

"Well honey, at least it doesn't have a car going through one of the walls." Shera seemed to have mixed feelings about this. It was exactly what she had promised him, and yet, it seemed like although she was the one who had tricked him, she was the one getting the short end of the deal.

"Let's just go inside and hope I don't have to stab the living shit out of anything." When they got in, they could've sworn the hue of Cid's face matched the paint job on the Red Leader submarine. "WHAT, THE, HELL, ARE ALL OF YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?"

"Technically Cid, we all arrived here on the same day, and none of us have moved in yet, so we'll have to share the place." Tifa always had been a voice of reason.

Vincent lazily pushed the top off his coffin and got out of his make shift bed. His eyes were still filled with the daze that comes with awakening.

: Wakey, wakey, demon bearer.: Vincent complexion soon became one of shock, then realization. He had never quite gotten use to the demons talking to him.

"Shut up Chaos, I don't feel like dealing with you today."

:'Don't feel like it?' Demon bearer, you're losing your touch. If you would just let us out ounce in a while, you would be your same old self.:

"Hell no, I only let you guys out when it is ABSOLOUTLEY necessary. I'm not going to start letting you guys out to get the adrenaline going."

:Shush, I hear something.: After a little while Vincent heard it to. Upstairs a conversation was going on, as well as some yelling. This didn't make any sense unless. 'Oh shit!' The only reason Vincent could think of was if ShinRa decided to retake the mansion. Vincent quickly grabbed a ShinRa gun leftover from the Meteor War, and a couple of flash, and smoke grenades, and charged up the stairs.

While all of this was happening Barret and Marlene had already arrived and gotten the rundown. Vincent finally emerged at the door to the entry way. He quickly glanced around the corner to see the Turks, which confirmed his fears. He pulled out the stopper for the smoke bomb and through it, chemicals mixing together spewing smoke everywhere. Picking up the rifle, he fired a few warning shots at the ceiling. Cloud and co. saw smoke rising from a small object, this was followed by a few warning shots.

"Looks like ShinRa left some surprises in the basement." Reeve and the former and current Turks pulled out pistols, while Barret brought up his gun-arm. They each began firing a few shots each at the figure near the entrance to the next room. Vincent could see through the smoke and saw them bring up their guns. In response he jumped out of the entry way, his feet just missing a collision with the hail of bullets. He quickly threw a flash grenade, and charged forward into the next room.

On Cloud's end they saw an object fly towards them and explode, releasing a bright, and I mean BRIGHT flash of light. When their eyes readjusted, they were greeted with the sight of Vincent, holding his Death Penalty, and a ShinRa rifle at them.

"Oh, so you guys weren't the ShinRa." This was Vincent's only response to the image that he saw as he charged into the room.


End file.
